Seven years without you!
Does it get any easier.?...hell NO!
Have I accepted you have moved on and are probably reborn into a new family? Yes
Am I conforted by this? I am now but I have to admit it took a while!
Would I give anything to spend another day with you? If it meant not harming others ... YES
Do I still have to keep positive thoughts about you, us, family, loss!!! in my head..., and avoid feeling feelings of self pity ... To prevent falling apart completely? Probably for ever!!

No body told me about this......

A few weeks ago I woke up and felt heart broken all over again. When our children are born I think most mothers feel a link.....an invisible bond. If we do not most of us develop it. When they cry....we feel it...if they fall....we feel it....and incredibly even when Seana died....I felt it. On this morning.....I woke to find....this link had gone.....vanished over night! It felt like "My Seana" had died all over again.....only this time I had lost all seance of her.

Chanting NMRK I realized Seana had been reborn to a new mother...a new family....a new reality. I always thought this would make me feel happy....why wasn't I at least happy for the eternal life of Seana......because I knew Seana, as I knew her...has moved on.

After receiving guidance and doing a day shift caring for our centre at Taplow Court.......gratitude changed my feelings. From here on I chant to receive universal Buddhahood from all Buddhas and dairies past present and future...coming to me through "Myo" joining with my own Buddhahood,traveling  through my body, around the back of my alter...merging with universal Buddhahood NMRK......and back to me via Universal Buddhahood. In this way my heart is growing large enough to merge with the eternity of life.....with "Eagle Peak" where the eternity of my daughters life bonds for ever with mine. Seana continues to teach me :-) what joy.

Finished oskar kokoschka

Winter Never Fails to Turn to Spring

DREAMS COME TRUE
"Buddhism is practiced to make one's prayers and dreams come true and to achieve the greatest possible happiness. The purpose of Nichiren Buddhism is to enable one to realize victory. The fact that prayers are answered proves the correctness of this teaching." Daisaku Ikeda

Three years on after loosing Seana my youngest daughter I find her greatest love lives within me even brighter. Because we lost her, her sister and I found the courage to change the way we relate to each other. Previously it was based around an on going family dispute. She and I found the entanglement of it did not help Seana, so why was any continuation of relating through it going to help us. We moved on, and as a result love each other even more, and all relationships around us have improved.

Because I struggle with illness, and lived, whilst Seana died (we were both in hospital at the same time) I feel an even greater need to be happy and fulfill my dreams. I'm doing it for both of us.

I decided to go back to drawing before attempting my large painting explaining Buddhism. I've completed many drawing to get to this....(see illustration) I am in the process of finishing this drawing of Oskar kokoschka who has been a large influence in my work. I am happy with my style now and will go on to draw others who have influenced me. I'm getting on with my film. and loving my man, family friends and members.... Practicing ND Buddhism for the sake of myself and others and feeling deep happiness amid all that life throws at me - How fortunate am I :-) watch this space for more work.

As Mothers How Many Times Do We let Go of Our Children?

Dearest Seana – We may feel you have gone too soon, and still deeply mourn your passing. Today is your Freedom Day. Freedom from the confines of the urn we keep your ashes in, freedom from attachments that as mortals who love you, may keep in our hearts something that may hold you back in your journeying - freedom from the pains of this world, and freedom from anything you felt you may not have completed or fulfilled in this life.

I believe your mission is greater than the years you lived amongst us. As your Mum I have brought you to the home I was forced to leave at a young age and I will always hold dear in my heart. It is the place I would sit as a child and dream of my future and of my children. When you and Leah were young I brought you here, and helped you throw stones into the water, telling you how the ocean can heal and how the oceans of the planet hold the secrets of all those who visit. With each wave coming in we can breath in the positive energy that the whole universe generates, and with each wave that is sucked back into the ocean if we will it, our pains and our sorrows can be sucked in too.

We each remember you in our own way, your love of life, generosity, naughty laugh, and your ability to be your own young woman. As we let your earth bound remains leave us, we too leave our sorrows and pains behind, and send with you our positive spirits to journey with you forever, wherever ,you are. Michael Jackson died yesterday I hope his musical spirit keeps you company.

This afternoon the sea will glisten for you and I remember you. This evening - in the words of one of your favorite bands “Take That” - " All the stars are coming out tonight
They’re lighting up the sky tonight
For you, for you! And….. I will remember you.

I love you so very much with all my heart, and I know I speak for us all that we send you on your way with joy, happiness, and the knowledge that the world is a better place for your having been with us. Goodbye! our - Darling Seana.... Goodbye. Mum xxxxxxxxx

Cascading Colour - Fading Light

A Study - for the lower part of the...... .....composition around the lotus flower.