WOW My answers arrived by courtesy of chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo (NMRK). Why am I surprised? The discomfort and grief I was experiencing felt insurmountable. Even after 20 odd years of practice doubt appeared to be winning out over faith. My mind felt that doubt was my entire reality. But in fact It was only in part of my mind. The wonderful thing is that by continuing in my Buddhist Practice regardless of doubt,I continued to seek out answers to my doubt eg. study, guidance from a senior leader, speaking with family and close friends. This ensured that I was motivated to chant NMRK and keep going no matter what happened...or didn't!. It is this very process that taps the life-force Buddhahood within all of us - my heart won out over my doubt and I taped the life-force of Buddhahood within. I was trusting on my 9th consciousness. So that even amid this personal "presumed insurmountable" grief and doubt!!! I was able to perceive events in my life from MY Buddha WISDOM.
When just over a week ago, my estranged birth mother died, all my efforts (via my practice) to embrace her life, paid up. But first a bit of background.
I have always had the desire to overcome the circumstances of my birth and early childhood as a cause for contributing something special in this lifetime. My practice helped me embrace this as mission and to understand that the deep and profound relationship with my birth and foster mother have been a catalyst for this. In effect I acknowledge five women as having contributed towards my "Right of Passage" each one as important as the other. When my foster mother died 20 odd years ago, I came to understand that, of the three of us, my foster mother who had ensured my survival and took care of me from the age of 2 to 14 and my birth mother were the ones to live the most difficult path. They had not lived or died with answers or understanding of their suffering in this lifetime. They had both been deeply unhappy. However, in the end they both died peacefully. I met the practice just after my foster mother died, but I shared the practice with my birth mother and she chanted for 2mins, (she called it "okering" her own Yorkshire derivative of Diamuku) she obviously has a relationship with Gohonzon and this was a huge cause for her to meet it again. (I feel sure they all will) My gratitude for them lives on in my chanting and activities, I feel an even greater need to honor them in being successful in my efforts for Kosenrufu, after all their lives and circumstances gave me the opportunity to be here doing it.
At the agreement of my half brother and sister I was preparing to visit with my birth mother to offer prayers for her but she died before I set off. I will be attending her funeral next Tuesday. Although my birth mother rejected me and my children found it difficult to embrace her She was able to extend her compassion towards me when Seana died. So what was the pay up? and what does this have to do with Seana? From the moment my birth Mother died, I knew, with my whole life, she is taking care of Seana, that in fact all six of my mothers are, as well as taking care of each other. Seana met all six of them in her life but they never met each other, for me their link to each other was in parenting me, and therefore Seana. My birth mother did not take care of us in this lifetime, but I feel her taking care of us in the eternity of life.
Who knows what links in the eternity of life we all share! Of course I have absolutely no evidence that there is anything to say any of what I FEEL is true. But, just as my entire being was previously filled with grief and a need to know where Seana is !!! now I have the same intensity of feeling that she is fine, that my mothers are taking care of her and that they are all fine. I am happy with that. NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO
One of my mother's Mrs Lynch I named in a song as "Mother of Kosenrufu" this was adopted by SGI-UK. I promised her I would ensure she was remembered at Taplow Court as the first person to chant NMRK in this country and I have made efforts to do this. I NOW re-pledge to increase my efforts again. For me this will be one symbol of my gratitude for all of them.
None of us know the depth of Karma we share with each other, we only have our FAITH, TRUST, FEELINGS, and how we ACT on them. I am deeply grateful I have my practice from which to base all four. I will always treasure this quote for myself now.
From Writing of Nichiren Daishonin p. 596 "Even though I cannot see you. I am certain that your heart is here. If you find that you miss me. Always look at the sun that rises in the morning and the moon that rises in the evening. What ever time, I will be reflected in the sun and moon. And in the next life, let us meet in the pure land of Eagle Peak".
