My Dearest Seana

Once the winter nights draw in and the days become wetter, colder, damper and shorter it hits home that Christmas is around the corner once again!! The last happy pictures I have of you are at Christmas. I have had the expected “hardest” time coming to terms with the loss of you. You will always be in my heart - therefore you will always be here" But I realize that for me the act of "remembering" you - means to fully accept that you are gone!! But I have wanted to imagine the sound of your key in my door, to imagine your phone calls, e-mails, visits, times at the movies, listening and sharing music, I have wanted to be a part of your living, so why would I want only to remember? But my darling this coming new year I want to do it differently. So I am slowly trying to “remember”. I find it hard to look at photos and listen to music because when I do, my feelings of loss break my heart all over again. Overwhelming loss like; the fact that I won’t have the chance to be with you and your future children - (we had plans about that!!) Loss, like the many times I let go of you so that you could have a “family life” with your father loss, like watching you move your loyalty to him and his partner, especially as he had only negative things to share with you about me. Loss like supporting you to have the life you needed, wanted, that excluded me from treasured moments I craved to share with you.

I am now choosing not to dwell on loss. I choose to feel gratitude and joy for what I have in my life right now. I choose to recall that it was my love for you that made it easy for me to put you first. I knew you would understand this when you were older. Even though you won’t be older – and we won’t have that adult bonding time, my love remains with me. I would never change the decisions I made. Therefore I can choose to acknowledge my love led choices without regret.

I am sorry though for the times I hurt you, for the times I was not strong enough or made you feel guilty about me, but I forgive myself, I know I did my best, I know All three of us, you, your sister and I, as mother and daughters did our best.

I honor you by feeling and sharing the gratitude I have for having had you in my life and for the love of you, the memories of you. I honor you by being the best I can be every day, and by being happy, fulfilled, and embracing life.

So I guess that means I have finally fully accepted you are gone.

Life is so full of irony - to feel you and have gratitude for you, your love, your personality, you as a child and as a young woman - I must embrace your memory, by embracing memories the pain of them, the joy of them- I have accepted you are gone.

Thank you for having been you, thank you for being my daughter, thank you for all the memories you have given to me. I look forward to the time we will meet again.

Your sister and I are moving on now Seana, moving on with living. I hold your love to my heart, and feel it every day. I am so proud of you, I am so proud of the way you lived your life. Good bye my lovely and hello to all the treasured memories. love you always Mum xxxx